my heart is ready

i want to blog...i really do, but i just dont know what to say. we havent heard anything else, at all. im not sure if we are even being considered by these expectant women or if they just took a quick look at our profile and that was that.
i was foolish to think this was going to be easy. i thought knowing we have been shown would be enough...i thought not knowing any details about either woman or either baby would keep me from constantly thinking about it. why would i have thought that!?!

i think about them all the time...i pray for them all the time.

last night was VERY hard...i shed lots of tears in a hot bathtub of water.  I spent hours talking to God. asking Him to help me remember how much he loves me and to still sing His praises everyday...for my God is amazing! asking Him to help me to not try and lean on my own understanding but to give this FULLY to him. im a work in progress.

i found out today that i will only find out an outcome on those profile viewings if we are chosen, otherwise i just wait for my next monthly update. i will continue to pray for both of these women and the decisions that they are facing. i pray that if they dont know Christ that they will come to know Him and turn to Him and feel the comfort that only He can give.

my heart is so ready. each day that motherly ache inside of me grows stronger and stronger. the room is ready...the carseat is sitting in the babys room. the baby clothes is washed. the rocker is begging to rock. our jobs know that we could leave at any moment.

oh how i am ready to have my sweet one in my arms...but i do not know what my God has in store for us. does he have something to teach me in a long wait for our first child...or is my great joy just around the corner. i still find peace in knowing that even though i dont know the answer that question, God does...its His plan.


last night when i was spending some time in prayer...i found some letters that i wrote in december, about a month after we made the decision to adopt. i had written them to our baby to be and im so glad that i read them last night...i wrote to our sweet son or daughter and told them about the comfort i feel in my heart knowing that God already knows who they are, what they will look like...what their birthday will be...where they will be born, who their first mother is...He also knows the intense joy i will feel when i hold him/her in my arms for the first time. He knows all of those answers...and for tonight that is enough to bring a smile to my face.